Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #6

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

There’s something weighing heavy on my mind going into week 2. Why has Pat spent the past week in New York City? My initial conclusion is that Pat traveled there to grease the palms of Commissioner Valdes over a series of fancy meals and alcoholic cocktails. On the surface, our League Commissioner appears to be above suspicion, but we need to explore the legitimate possibility that Commissioner Valdes has gotten in bed with Pat. Did Commissioner Valdes fabricate his grocery store testimony in an attempt to misdirect attention away from a blooming confederacy with Pat? It seems suspect that the testimony only features Pat’s behavioral issues but zero mention of league manipulation. Moreover, Commissioner Valdes has never actually addressed the very real allegations I have brought forward. Are you hiding something from us Commissioner? I hope this is just a case of “bad optics” but I'm calling for complete transparency from Commissioner Valdes if he wants to clear his name of being in cahoots with Pat. Putting the previous allegation to one side, I strongly believe the main objective of Pat’s travels is to infiltrate the NFL headquarters in Manhattan. I'm not sure whether Pat is going in covertly or has a fraudulent meeting on the books with someone at the league, but he will almost certainly find a way into the NFL's server room. My mind reels thinking of all the damage Pat could do with backdoor access to the NFL mainframe. Distort game replays being sent to New York for review? Shorten a player's career by leaking their hidden CTE diagnosis? Catfish referees to learn which teams the officials are betting money on each week? The catastrophic possibilities are endless. I've sent a link of this message board to Rudolph Giuliani (September 11th Hero and 107th Mayor of New York City) and suggest that all of you also reach out to prominent New Yorkers (e.g. Lena Dunham, Fran Lebowitz, Regis Philbin, etc.). There may be many reasons why Pat is in New York but none of them can be good.

Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #5

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

Thank you Commissioner Valdes for being courageous enough to share that devastating true story with us. Conclusive proof that Pat is a monster both on and off the fantasy field who belittles and cheats everyone he meets. However, in alignment with NFL criteria, we cannot hold him accountable for how he chooses to conduct himself in his free time (e.g. Antonio Brown with 23.7 FPTS in season opener). Pat has the right to be a horrible human being outside fantasy football but he should not be allowed in any way, shape, or form to corrupt such a treasured American tradition. The grocery store testimony of Commissioner Valdes also illustrates that Pat sees himself as bigger than the league that we all founded and worked so hard to build from the ground up. No mortal should ever be permitted to possess such hubris. God bless you Cory P******* (Team Manager of Team Peterson Team Peterson) for being one of the greatest fantasy football minds of our generation and finding a way to somehow defeat Pat’s schemes. While I’m happy Cory’s good has thwarted Pat’s evil in week one, a larger part of me worries that this was just a tactical smokescreen by Pat to conceal sinister activity yet to come.

P.S. Pat has likely kidnapped the real Aaron Rodgers and replaced him with a prototype Tesla Bot programed to suck at football.

Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #4

Post By Joaquin V***** (76th Street Rat Kings)

I saw Pat at a grocery store in New York yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infeterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #3

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

Hello everybody, 

I hate being right about this but the blatant shenanigans have begun. Tonight’s draft was undoubtedly compromised by Pat’s malicious hand. I lack the technological expertise to explain how Pat effected our draft but I have damning evidence to support my accusation. 1) Prior to the draft, Pat said “I think Christian McCaffrey is a great NFL football player”. Very interesting that Mr. McCaffrey is now the crown jewel of Pat’s team. Pat also said that he wasn’t a fan of Tim Tebow and he’s suspiciously missing from Pat’s team. 2) Pat was “randomly” assigned the #2 spot in our snake draft, which fantasy sports gurus unanimously agree is the ideal position for assembling the best team. I understand some of you might simply consider this a fortunate bit of luck for Pat but I smell foul play. 3) I had eyes on Pat during most of the draft but there were a few times that he left the room to “go peepee” in the bathroom. He was in there (with the door firmly closed) for only a few minutes but who’s to say he wasn’t in contact with fantasy football experts such as Katie Aselton (Co-Star of FX’s The League). Again, I don’t have the technical background to explain what’s being done but the evidence of fraud is clearly there. As an illustration of Pat’s hacking skills: He told me that he jukes the performance stats in his Peloton classes to always make himself the top rider. Let’s not let him turn this into one of his Peloton classes!

Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #2

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

Fellow league members,

I’m disheartened to see that my concerns have been universally ignored. My initial suspicion is that Pat has used his online tricks to “shadow ban” this message board topic, which is deeply troubling because such an intervention clearly strips me of my first amendment rights. However if Pat isn’t directly interfering with my civil liberties, I’m worried that the deafening silence is a result of Pat conducting back-channel deals with members of the league. It’s highly possible that Pat has struck alliances with league members in return for promises he may never intend to honor. Is it worth giving up your integrity to support an alleged cheater who will leave you high and dry? It’s not too late to come forward if you trusted Pat’s hollow promises in a moment of weakness. How many of the teams in this league are compromised? One? Two? All of you? Hard for me to deduce at this point. I believe the tainted members of the league will eventually see the error of their ways and bring to light the web of deceit being spun by Pat but I fear it won’t be until after the damage is done. Don’t let Pat get away with this. Don’t let it become too late.

Petition to ban Pat from the league 2021 - Post #1

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

Hey Everyone,

I have a huge concern that Pat's going to try to "hack" the league. He's already mentioned things about changing the code on the webpage to effect things during the draft and making trades go through without both parties agreeing. Now I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting but I'm worried that this may end up effecting the on-field performances of these elite athletes. Is Pat capable of coding (black hat hacking) into assistant coach's headset and telling them to bench the star player? Could he switch a healthy player's x-ray on the doctor's computer? Is he going to gain access to Roger Goodell's emails to referees telling them which team to call penalties against and whose supposed to win each game? I don't know but it's a risk that I for one feel we should not take. That said, I understand if the rest of you feel he deserves a chance to prove he won't use "internet sorcery" to give himself some sort of an advantage. Pat, best of luck if you're allowed to stay but I will have an eye on you and recommend the league stay vigilant of any funny business.