Thank you Commissioner Valdes for being courageous enough to share that devastating true story with us. Conclusive proof that Pat is a monster both on and off the fantasy field who belittles and cheats everyone he meets. However, in alignment with NFL criteria, we cannot hold him accountable for how he chooses to conduct himself in his free time (e.g. Antonio Brown with 23.7 FPTS in season opener). Pat has the right to be a horrible human being outside fantasy football but he should not be allowed in any way, shape, or form to corrupt such a treasured American tradition. The grocery store testimony of Commissioner Valdes also illustrates that Pat sees himself as bigger than the league that we all founded and worked so hard to build from the ground up. No mortal should ever be permitted to possess such hubris. God bless you Cory P******* (Team Manager of Team Peterson Team Peterson) for being one of the greatest fantasy football minds of our generation and finding a way to somehow defeat Pat’s schemes. While I’m happy Cory’s good has thwarted Pat’s evil in week one, a larger part of me worries that this was just a tactical smokescreen by Pat to conceal sinister activity yet to come.
P.S. Pat has likely kidnapped the real Aaron Rodgers and replaced him with a prototype Tesla Bot programed to suck at football.
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