Gin and Chronic Message Board - Post #7

Post by Chris (America's Next Popp Model)

Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate,

I know in the past I have been guilty of blurring the truth to make a joke or serve a narrative but I need to address something with the utmost sincerity. For the last 6 weeks, I have been held captive and America’s Next Popp Model has been sabotaged.

Let’s go back to the start of this mess. Following my Week 5 win over the Light of Genesis, I received an email from what appeared to be a Wall Street private equity firm called Welsh, Carson, Anderson & Stowe. They said a former employee had spoken highly of CoachZIM and the firm was excited about meeting to discuss future investment opportunities for the technology. On October 12th, I met with a group of people at an office in The 15 Building, downtown Minneapolis. I was offered an Ice Pop flavored PRIME Hydration Drink but after a few sips things began to get blurry and soon everything went black.

When I finally woke up, I found myself blindfolded on a damp dirt floor. My entire world was dark, cold, and echoey. I quickly discovered that both of my legs were broken by the sharp pain coming from my mangled limps. After a few days, I had finally managed to free my hands and remove my blindfold. I looked around at the stone wall closely circling me, before turning my head up to a small speck of light far above. I then realized that I had been left for dead in an abandoned well. Suddenly, I had a sinking feeling; It was the weekend and I didn't set my lineup. I vowed to avenge America's Next Popp Model and began eating any bugs or vegetation I could find around me. I knew in my heart that I was going to survive this and get revenge on whoever put me there.

On Day 10, I had finally built up enough strength to begin climbing the 40 vertical feet to freedom. With my legs still healing, the climb was grueling and I injured myself even further with frequent falls. The next 5 weeks were a series of futile attempts to escape the well. With each failure, my determination grew and soon a vengeful inferno burned within. Fueled by sheer rage and resentment, I clawed my way up to daylight and escaped the pit.

My first priority was seeing what had happened with America’s Next Popp Model during my absence, but when I finally gained access to my account, I wanted to dive back into the well. In 6 weeks, America’s Next Popp Model went from 4-1 to 5-6. I wept after opening the Fantasy app. The insidiousness was horrible. Someone had been hacking my weekly lineup to make it look like I was locking in a squad, but the reality was that all these player selections were sabotage. I even found CoachZIM turned off and that OpenAI had sold the technology to Microsoft. I now am in litigation with Microsoft over my proprietary use of CoachZIM. But that’s far from my primary focus right now.

I’m not going to cry over the past. Should we investigate this incident and bring the guilty to justice? Yes, of course. But I’m tired of all this shit. I’m here now, ready to take my boys to the playoffs and destroy anyone in my path to the crown. The bitch is back.

I know many of you will say this as an elaborate story I’m inventing to justify going 1-5 the last 6 weeks but let me point a few things out:

• Commissioner Valdes and Pat are top of their divisions, looking at BYE weeks in the opening round of the Playoffs. Sure was easy for them to rack up all those wins with a pit bull like me out of the picture. If I hadn't returned, my guess was they were planning another "Split Title", this time between 76th Street Rat Kings and The Light of Genesis.
• Have you ever known me to not post anything for more than two weeks?! I never shut the fuck up on these damn message boards. The only post from my account is an AI generated video made to mimic my video aesthetic. But you can obviously tell its AI because I have never and would never congratulate or show respect to an opponent who has just beaten my team. That completely goes against the spirit of competition that rages inside my warrior heart!
• Ever since the dissolvement of The New Sunday, Vladimir Putin has regarded me as an enemy. It is very likely that Pat and Putin have teamed up to get rid of me and increase tensions in occupied Palestine. Fanning the flames of this conflict distracts from an invasion of Ukraine or a tyrant going for back-to-back illegitimate Fantasy Football titles. Open your eyes and you will finally see the Puppet Masters and their strings.